A while back I made friends with this total babe who is less than handy in the kitchen. We’ll call her Abby. Because that’s her name.

Let’s be honest: she, like any self-respecting woman, has better things to do than learn how to cook complicated things.

Conveniently, Abby and I worked together in extremely close quarters for quite a while. I’m talking the kind of office you definitely would not want to peel a fucking hard boiled egg in. Which we both did on the regular. During this time she was always envious of the salads I would bring for lunch; more specifically of my mad salad dressing making skills. Turns out one thing I don’t fuck up is salad dressing.

Wait, you’re posting a recipe? And for salad dressing of all things?

Oh fuck yeah I am. In honor of Abby’s upcoming 30th birthday, I give you all:

ABBY DRESSING.

TADA!

This shit isn’t just any old salad dressing. No. It’s salty and delicious and goes well with salad or quinoa or, if you’re Abby, just a sip straight from the jar. See?

Oh my god gross, she drinks it?

Seriously stop judging. The shit isn’t going to taste test itself.

Here’s the recipe. (NOTE: all amounts are approximate and I’ve never actually measured any of the ingredients. I just throw it all together in an old ball jar with a slightly rusty lid, shake it, then hand it to Abby for a taste test.)

• 5 tablespoons olive oil
• 3 tablespoons red wine vinegar
• 2 teaspoons Ume Plum wine vinegar (be careful with this shit; it contains roughly one zillion milligrams of sodium per serving so err on the side of light if you don’t want to end up as bloated as a Leann Chin model who’s been forced to actually eat plate after plate of Peking Chicken during a 15 hour photo shoot)
• 1-2 teaspoons whole grain mustard (I like the one from Trader Joe’s, also good for sandwiches)
• 1/8-1/4 diced shallot
• black pepper to taste

If you’re like me (and Abby) you probably:

a. Don’t have a shallot handy because you forgot to buy one.

b. Didn’t know what one was and were too embarrassed to ask the dork working in the produce section at Byerly’s.

c. Did do both of the above but are too lazy to cut it up and or/don’t have any clean cutting boards.

Don’t fret. That’s fine. Skip the shallot you lazy fucker, the dressing will still taste great. If you do have one on hand dice up like 1/8-1/4 of it depending how bad you want your breath to be post-lunch. (For future reference a shallot is like a tiny, adorable onion.)

Put the rest of the ingredients in a jar and shake that bitch up. Sip for taste. Adjust as needed. Then pour that shit over your favorite anything. It’s especially good with quinoa and/or spinach and/or goat cheese. Just sayin’.

Store the remaining amount in the fridge or on your poorly washed countertop. I don’t care which. It’s just oil and vinegar — it’s not like it’s going to go bad.

And don’t forget to raise a glass of Abby Dressing and wish her a Happy 30th on the 13th!