I think we can all agree there’s nothing more entertaining than making fun of the female species’ collective love of fall. I think we can also agree that it is my duty to the world to post about it.
Here’s the thing about girls: they’re romantic ding dongs who love clothing and puppies and oversharing thoughts that could easily remain in their heads and gel manicures and shiny stuff or matte finishes, depending on the trend, and thinking they’re independent until something needs fixing or is heavy and acting overly surprised and excited when they bump into each other somewhere unexpected.
And fall. Girls love fucking fall. But what they actually love more than fall is TALKING INCESSANTLY ABOUT THEIR INSATIABLE LOVE FOR FALL.
Let’s break this shit down:
“Oh my god! Red wine just tastes so good this time of year! I always shift from white to red in the fall.”
Um. Some of us never “shift”. We just drink a metric shitton of both kinds year round.
“I think I might have a little whisky later. Cause it’s fall.”
Or because whisky is fucking delicious and getting drunk is fun.
“I LOVE SQUASH!”
Sigh. You love a gourd.
“I just crave soup right now! We should all get together and make butternut soup and drink red wine some night!”
And then we can braid each other’s hair and have a sexy montage pillow fight. Just to make sure we hit all the cliches in one evening.
“I love wearing tights with my skirts when the weather gets chilly!”
Nobody loves tights. They hug your hips and ass weird and always snag when you’re putting them on so I’m calling complete and total bullshit on this one.
“The fall always makes me want to knit.”
That’s why you have 500 half completed scarves.
“It was so chilly out this morning. I had to wear a scarf!”
Who the fuck are you kidding? You’ve been wearing a scarf THE ENTIRE SUMMER.
“Do you like my new boots? They’re for FALL.”
OF COURSE THEY FUCKING ARE.
“Honeycrisp apples are THE BEST. I LOVE THEM. And did you know they’re from MINNESOTA!!!?”
Except for this bag I just bought in Minnesota that’s from Michigan.
“I just got a new gel mani, what do you think of the color? It’s called For the Love of Autumn.”
I would call that color “black”.
“I had to wear a long sleeve shirt on my run today.”
Is that even something worth mentioning to the world? That you covered your arms with fabric then ran around?
And then there’s the obligatory pumpkin spice latte. BARF. NO. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH A NORMAL FUCKING COFFEE BEVERAGE THAT DOESN’T LEAVE THE INSIDE OF YOUR MOUTH FEELING LIKE IT’S COVERED IN FUR?
“I don’t drink dairy. But I do love to cuddle up on the couch with a cup of spice tea.”
Fucking spice tea. Why don’t you just steep the grass clippings from the underside of the lawn mower in hot water and sprinkle them with nutmeg and cinnamon. Same fucking thing.
So girls, please, please, shut the fuck up about fall. Yes, the leaves are pretty but it only lasts like 15 minutes and means two things:
- Summer is fucking over. Remember back in June when you talked about how much you fucking love summer because the days are long and you get to wear tanktops and shorts and then that only lasts for like 3 days? Yeah.
- Fall means that winter is on its way. I don’t mean to get all Ned Stark on you but shit. Winter is long and dark and it sucks fucking balls and you know you’re going to complain all the way through it about how cold you are.
“I’m cold.”
Put on some socks.
“I’m cold.”
It’s fucking winter.
“I’m cold.”
Bitch, please.
