Let’s all hop in the way-back-machine for a moment. We’ll visit a time where holidays were actual holidays, like Easter, 4th of July, Thanksgiving. People got the day off work and celebrated by watching fireworks or eating turkey.
Those were the days, weren’t they?
Fast-forward to the present where every single day of the year has been labeled as some sort of made up national holiday complete with a heinous hashtag to help internet users everywhere spread their fake joy all over social media. These neo-holidays aren’t real, they’re just a way to turn Instagram and Facebook into loathsome streams of worthless, unproductive celebration that we’re expected to care about and/or participate in.
Isn’t it about time we just picked one fucking day to celebrate all the ridiculous made up holidays? We can call it “National Fucking Everything Day” only because “Christmas” was already taken by that selfish hippie, Jesus.
Let’s discuss the recent atrocity that was National Donut Day. Never have I seen a bigger deep fried pile of codependency than an entire day dedicated to an artery-clogging glazed gluten ball. I had to give myself an insulin shot just to glance through the diabetic desperation that had taken over my otherwise lame but unoffensive social media.
Then there’s National Sibling day. For the love of god, give it a fucking rest. You’re a terrible brother the other 364 days a year, go ahead and admit it. Changing your Facebook photo to someone you beat up as a kid then completely ignored for four years of high school isn’t going to make up for 27 years of douchery.
Or what about Adopt an Animal Day. This shit’ll clog up your Instagram and Facebook feeds right quick. Don’t get me wrong, it’s good to have pets but some of us like to pay full fucking price for our non-rescue, unused animals. That whole adopt-don’t-shop shit is great if you are looking for a dog who barks exclusively at black people and is scared to death of men wearing hats.
Can we talk for a minute about Employee Appreciation Day? This one could easily have its name changed to “Don’t Be an Asshole to Your Employees and Have to Make Up for it with a Day Day.” Also, employers, here’s a tip: there are some of us who aren’t food motivated and would like to be rewarded like hard working goddamn adults, not dogs. How about the day off rather than a greasy slice of Dominos that has to be eaten in florescent lighting amidst people whose company you only negotiably enjoy.
Don’t forget about the highest level of abhorrence the internet has ever seen: Caturday. From my brief understanding of girls wearing nautical crop tops and using the internet, this comes not once a year but roughly FIFTY TWO SATURDAYS A YEAR. Give or take 6 or 8 depending how hard it was to get the cat to sit still for a photo and/or how slutty said girls were feeling that particular weekend. (Side note: Caturday is not only not a celebratory event, it’s not even a real fucking word.)
I mean just to name a few. But don’t forget about:
Take Your Child to Work Day – Aka: “The Daycare Had A Pink Eye Outbreak.” But don’t worry that shit’s not contagious. Go ahead and bring your kid and his grubby mitts on in to touch everything. Oh great, he photocopied his face, now I can NEVER TOUCH THE COPIER AGAIN.
Yoga Pant Day – I also call this day “everyday.” Get used to it, get behind it. Not only is the view fabulous, it’s comfortable as shit.
Garlic Day – Pee eww, stinks.
Penguin Day – Yes, they’re adorable small gentlemen in tuxedos but they’re also birds that can’t fly. This does not call for group celebration and a quick viewing of some cute furry birds on the internet should fucking suffice.
CAPS LOCK DAY – SURPRISE! I’M SUPER ANNOYING AND EVERYTHING I TYPE SOUNDS LIKE I’M YELLING AT YOU AT THE TOP OF MY FUCKING VOICE.
Singles Awareness Day – I think it’s time we examined what the real issue is here: you’re simply unlovable.
Post-Its Day – I hate to break it to you but post-its are just semi-sticky paper. They are perhaps the most inanimate object of all inanimate objects. They don’t need a fucking day.
Left-handed Day – Jesus Christ.
Waffle Day – See Donut Day above, fatty.
Top Knot Day – Short-haired girls everywhere sigh a collective, apathetic “UGH” while men across the world continue not to give a shit.
Umbrella Day – Look, Mary Poppins, it’s not even raining and you look like a total ding dong carrying that thing around. And do you have any idea how many years of bad luck you’ve racked up in a single afternoon of almost poking your irate coworkers in the eye?
Wine Day – Also known as Well Dressed, Classy Alcoholics Day. Go ahead and celebrate. You earned it by doing nothing. Just like you do everyday.
Hug A Friend Day – Get away from me.
Surgery Day – Yeah, okay surgeons, we get it, you’re rich as fuck. Congratulations.
Hairball Awareness Day – Not even kidding you. This is a thing. And there’s a day dedicated to it. Crazy cat ladies across the nation have been planning for MONTHS (and by planning I mean stockpiling cat-urine covered newspapers throughout their homes and by months I mean 45 years).
Data Privacy Day – There is a 0% chance that anyone in the entire world gives a shit about this. Change your Zappos password and move on.
4:20 – The very specific demographics for participants of this day include and are limited to: white, male (but a little androgynous), about to finish his sophomore year of high school, upper middle class, currently very high and looking to get higher, in possession of a poorly homemade bong, weighs just less than 120 pounds, needs a fucking haircut, owns multiple skate shoes but believes himself to be a “minimalist”, rolls his very red eyes a minimum of once per minute, showers infrequently, and thinks of Green Day as a god. Not that I know anyone like that.
So here’s the thing: do whatever the fuck you want to do. Eat whatever weird food you like, wear a stupid hat, share a picture of your hairball projecting cat or your adorable bitey dog, creep around your neighbor’s backyard, smoke some weed, drink some wine, I don’t care. I really really really don’t care. Just don’t expect everyone else to proclaim their love of ridiculous shit along with you.
