Girls, let’s be honest, it’s tough to find the right guy to fulfill all your needs. Am I right? Which is why I’ve devised yet another stellar, fail-proof idea in lifestyle choices: Brother Husbands. A deep and dialed-in analysis of 9 (yes, 9) essential husbands every woman needs.

Now I know what you’re thinking: sister wives is a terrible idea, polygamy is fucking gross and having multiple wives sounds like the biggest goddamn pain in the ass anyone’s ever had. That’s because it fucking is. I’m not talking wives here, though, I’m talking husbands. Sister wives is sure to fail because women are messy nut-jobs disguised by cute clothes and nice smelling hair products, therefore most people can barely handle one let alone a half dozen or so.

Blech, wives.

Husbands, though. I’m telling you. A whole fucking compound of functional dudes. It’s the way of the future.

Each one will of course have their specific roles. Men love roles. It gives them solvable problems and fun projects which makes them feel like fucking men.

(Disclaimer: it should be noted that the following list is in no particular order of importance; each Brother Husband plays a very important role in keeping the compound working like a well oiled machine — i.e.: keeping you happy as shit.)

(Disclaimer: it should also be noted that the following celebrities are not actually polygamists — yet.)

Brother Husband #1 – The Rich One – Let’s call him Jon Stewart. This is so fucking obvious, I really shouldn’t even need to explain it. You need money to live and what are you going to do, earn it yourself? Didn’t fucking think so. You’re living in a goddamn compound with nine husbands, someone has to fund this shit and Rich Husband, Jon Stewart does just that. He manages finances and pays bills and stays the fuck out of the way, all that confusing shit you don’t need to worry your pretty little head about.

Brother Husband #2 – The Eye Candy – Let’s call him Jon Hamm. For first, no, they’re not all named Jon, this is simply a coincidence and that would be weird, come on. Eye Candy husband, Jon Hamm not only looks good but exists to make you look even fucking better. He takes you out for sushi, has great table manners and knows just enough about wine to know what you’d like without being a pretentious douche. He’s tall, has great hair, dresses well and tips even fucking better. He compliments you on your calves and your eye shadow — all the stuff other guys miss. Even the other husbands are secretly in love with him.

Brother Husband #3 – The Plumber/Electrician – Let’s call him Harvey Keitel. What we’re really aiming for here is a plumber who also dabbles in electricity. You know, just for those seldom times when the toilet clogs (undoubtedly because one of the other husbands dropped a goddamn load in it) or the sink leaks or you’ve finally drowned enough of your own hair down the bathtub to have to shower in 3 inches of standing grey water. Plumber Husband, Harvey Keitel is a real feisty one; he’s constantly annoyed by the fact that you need him and scolds you for being so goddamn helpless but secretly loves the fact that your luscious locks have congealed into a rhinoceros-like horn in the compound’s pipes and that you’ve yet again treated a regular kitchen drain as a garbage disposal. Silly little lady.

Brother Husband #4 – The Handyman – Let’s call him Jodie Foster. Every girl needs an onsite handyman. Because let’s be honest: girls are terrible at fixing things but good as shit at breaking them. Handyman Husband, Jodie Foster has a wrench in his tool-belt for all your girlish needs. Want to hang some dumb fucking artsy piece of shit on the wall? He’s your man. What are you going to do, find a fucking hammer and nail and use your arms and legs? Didn’t think so. And what if a window gets stuck or there’s a spider to kill? Handyman Husband.

Brother Husband #5 – The Funny One – Let’s call him Dave Chapelle. If I have to explain the dire necessity of Funny Husband to you then you’re a fucking idiot. Girls love to laugh and cover their mouths and look all embarrassed. It’s one of the things they teach you in girl school. We need to be made fun of (MORE ATTENTION PLEASE) and told jokes constantly if only so we can brag to our gal pals about how fucking funny you are and how hard you make us laugh.

Brother Husband #6 – The Drinking Buddy – Let’s call him River Phoenix. If anyone so much as sighs the words “too soon” under their breath they are getting punched in the neck. If I want a dead, hot celebrity with a drug problem to get loaded with then I’ll have one. The Drinking Buddy is crucial for two reasons: 1) he makes you look like less of an alcoholic; 2) he’s got fucking hookups, man. Like just in case the compound turns into a crazy polygamous rave one night. I mean you’re not going to want to go at that sober, are you?

Brother Husband #7 – The IT Guy – Let’s call him Hugh Jackman. Yes, I do need a specific IT Husband on hand and no Handyman Husband can’t just fix the internet, Jodie’s busy re-roofing the house right now. And with all the crazy shit going on at the compound Hugh is the only logical choice. Ever since that Swordfish scene where he had to hack some shit with a gun pointed to his head while getting a blow job with Jon Travolta looking on (IT COULD TOTALLY HAPPEN), I knew he was the guy who could diffuse any sort of slow-buffering situation. I need my wifi working in tip top shape at all times. I mean what if there’s an Etsy-purchasing fucking emergency?

Brother Husband #8 – The Aloof One Who’s Emotionally Uninvolved But Into Weird Sex Stuff – Let’s call him Mackelmore. This guy’s essential. You two don’t talk much, make minimal eye contact, and have never seen each other in the morning or in any unflattering lighting. As far as he’s concerned you don’t even own a bra or any underwear and you certainly don’t eat. He’s just mature enough to be into weird shit but immature enough to keep flavored lube on his person at all times. User warning: he may not last long. Once one of you becomes emotionally attached he will be immediately removed from the compound (by security, see husband #9) and divorce proceedings will be underway.

Brother Husband #9 – Security – Let’s call him Mark Wahlberg. Girls need to feel fucking SAFE. Someone’s gotta protect the compound. Especially if you and Mackelmore end up getting fucking divorced after he falls madly in love with you and you have to replace him. This is dangerous territory. Plus Jon Stewart’s running loads of cash through the place. And what if some bitch hears about your master Brother Husband plan and tries to break the fuck in and steal Jon Hamm away from you? Huh? Clearly you need Marky fucking Mark around the house to flex and yell “git the fuck outta here!” That should do the goddamn trick.

So ladies, don’t say I never did anything for you.