I don’t trust people who chew gum. You shouldn’t either. And shockingly, I’m going to tell you why.

There are a myriad of reasons, really. As always listed in no particular order of importance, that would be way too much work for Laboratory staff.

Reason Number 1: YOUR FUCKING TEETH

Think about your teeth, because obviously those who chew gum don’t. And can you trust someone who doesn’t even think obsessively about the health of their teeth? I don’t know how much time I have to spend on this. If you’re smart and have any sort of regular hygiene routine then you should understand that constantly fucking chomping on xylitol and aspartame isn’t good for you. Subjecting and resubjecting your goddamn molars to said synthetic substances at a speed of 200 times per fucking second will wreck that shit.

Reason Number 2: YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT

Constantly smacking that shit makes you look 4000 times dumber than you already are. Or, wait, you might just be really really really dumb, no one can tell because of all that godforsaken gum snapping that’s going on. Either way, when the world is aware of the fact that you are ruminating on the same fucking piece of gum for the duration of an entire meeting, they’re not going to trust you. At this point you’ve proven yourself undistinguishable from a llama. Don’t get me wrong, llamas are lovable creatures, but do you trust them? Didn’t think so.

Reason Number 3: GROSS

Look, it’s gross. Gum was invented as a quick breath freshener, not as a hobby. If you’re using it to fulfill a nervous fucking habit seek help.

Reason Number 4: YOUR DIGESTION

Here’s the thing, gum is bad for your stomach. When you chew food that you actually fucking swallow (like normal people do), you produce a certain kind of saliva that tells your stomach to start digesting. When you chew a sticky wad of Dentyne your body does the same thing. I don’t mean to go all science on you but the lab has been hard at work and two very important things: 1) No, chewing gum will not make you skinnier, do you even know how anything in the whole fucking world works? and 2) Think about this for a hot sec. Your saliva is essentially telling your empty stomach to digest itself. Now I don’t know what kind of sick eating disorder this would classify under but I’m calling it: Cannibalism.

Reason Number 5: TWO WORDS: FRUIT STRIPE

A picture is worth a thousand words.

Reason Number 6: IT’S VISIBLE

Here’s a fun scenario: you meet someone, they seem cool, you think you like them. Then, in your signature fashion, you say something fucking hilarious and said new “friend” smiles and laughs and YOU CAN SEE A PIECE OF PINK CHEWY GARBAGE RESTING DELICATELY BETWEEN THEIR FIRST MOLAR AND THE REST OF THE WORLD. Ish. Are you really going to pursue a relationship with someone who’s at risk of dropping a piece of used Trident on you at any moment? This is as bad as meeting someone you think is cool and then discovering that, YIKES, they’re into god. I mean that shit’s over before it even started.

Reason Number 7: GARBAGE CANS

Look, the shit is sticky, that’s why they call it gum. Hence it sticks to the inside of garbage cans — other people’s garbage cans. Garbage cans owned and emptied by unsuspecting citizens with bowls of starlight mints on their desks available for your breath-freshening consumption are suffering from your gum-disposal. It stinks up the WHOLE FUCKING TRASH. And don’t even try me with that “it smells like peppermint” bullshit. It smells like the inside of your dirty mouth and chewed up mint product. Your mouth is filthy (don’t argue with me, it is) and now my garbage can is basically your whole mouth.

Reason Number 8: CHEWELS

Remember fucking Chewels gum? Remember that shit? It had a liquid center that squirted into your mouth. Now if this is what gets your rocks off I think you need to reconsider some life choices.

Reason Number 8 Part Two: EXTRA LASTS EXTRA LONG!

Bitch please. It’s not a lubricated condom. It’s gum. It’s meant to freshen your breath, not live in your fucking mouth indefinitely. And by the way, you’re a huge slut.

Reason Number 9: IT’S AN EXCUSE

Do you trust someone who’s constantly making fucking excuses? Nope. And there’s no bigger excuse maker than gum. “Hang on, I just gotta grab a piece of gum.” Fuck that. Okay, now we’re late. “I need to chew gum because I used to smoke.” I don’t give a shit. I’d rather smell your cigarette than noisy digested peppermint. “I chew gum because it gives me something to do and keeps me awake!” You’re not a fucking pilot. Have a goddamn cup of coffee and shut up already.

Reason Number 10: IT STICKS TO FUCKING EVERYTHING

And not just the inside of garbage cans. Anyone who has ever stuck a fucking piece of gum under a desk/table/chair/bus seat/airplane seat/seat or table fucking anywhere deserves a simultaneous neck/dick punch. I realize it’s inconvenient to properly dispose of the grossest thing that has ever existed and is currently in your mouth but guess what bitch, swallow that shit so I can’t see it. You deserve it.