In honor of the 4th of July I thought we should take a quick look at one of my favorite topics: The Worst People In America.

You know who you are. But in case everyone needs a reminder, I’m happy to provide one. (Note: these are in no particular order of awfulness and I consider them all abominations.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

People who use “literally” not literally. You know this bitch. I know you do. For example, “I was literally shitting my pants!” So, like, there was actual fucking poop in your pants? Like real honest to god feces that came out of your butt? “Oh my god, not literally!” You’ve just proven my point.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

People whose bitmoji looks nothing like them. Look. In the mirror. You’re not twentyfuckingfive anymore. Shit, you’re not even 35 anymore. Add some lines on that fake cartoon face of yours already. Please. And how about some greys around the ears? You know you’re not fooling a goddamn soul.

 

 

 

 

 

 

People who don’t know what Ramadan is or entails. Really? Ramadan? Fasting? Pilgrimage? Mohammed? Allah? Does any of it mean anything to you? Nothing? Seriously? It’s part of the SECOND LARGEST RELIGION IN THE FUCKING WORLD. Being white is hard.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

People who text and drive. This one is easy. And if you’re agreeing with me right now you are probably a huge fucking hypocrite. Look. At the road. I know you’re 30 and every single thing you do is the most important thing that ever was and every single thing you think needs to be shared with your best gal pal IMMEDIATELY but…..this just in….no one gives a shit. Put down your goddamn phone. You can check the lululemon app later, bitch.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anyone who says “chillax” or any variation thereof. This one is easy. It’s not a word. Don’t use it. “What are you up to for the 4th?” “Just chillaxin’.” UGH. EW. STOP. That sounds like you got a ginormous bucket of ice and will just be planting your bare, fat ass in it to cool down. Ish. Find something else to do. Like practice removing the word from your vocabulary. Unless your goal is to have zero friends in which case carry on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

People who wear shirts with stupid sayings. Not gonna lie, this one is pretty gender specific. COFFEE PUPPIES WINE REPEAT. SUNDAYS KITTENS RAINBOWS. YOGA CARDIO LIFE. What the fuck does that even mean? This is the best way you could figure out how to express yourself? In three words on an ill-fitting graphic tee? How about just DULL AS FUCK or HIGH FUNCTIONING ALCOHOLIC or maybe a good old fashioned I HATE YOU.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

People who refer to themselves as parents but really only have a pet. I know you love your dog. And I’m sure your dog is the most adorable thing that ever was in the whole entire fucking adorable universe and everyone who sees it just gushes compliments out of their shallow mouths. BUT you did not give birth to it. Nor did you go through a rigorous adoption process; 15 minutes at the fucking humane society does not make you a “parent”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

People who describe their dreams in detail. Turns out, I wasn’t there. No one was. Not even you, technically. It was a goddamn dream. I know you got to ride a ferris wheel to hell and back with the hottest guy you’ve ever seen while wearing a one-piece swimsuit that miraculously fit your extremely long torso but no one wants to hear about it. NO ONE.

 

People who think that because they gave birth they are now special life-givers.  Blech. I just feel it necessary to point out that all you really did was a) have a uterus, b) let some dude dump some gross sticky shit into it, c) grow an alien-like thing inside you, then d) eventually poop out a baby. None of this is magical. Not even sort of. Unfortunate, perhaps, magical no.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dentists. Need I say more?