By now you’ve all heard of FOMO, right? Fear of missing out?

I mean it’s the dumbest thing in the whole world, FOMO, but you’ve heard of it right? Just asking because my first encounter with the phrase was last week, at which point I discovered two very important things:

1. Fucking FOMO.
2. I personally suffer from just the opposite, FOOI, the fear of opting in.

I don’t even know where to start here. Do I a) begin by explaining how much I fucking can’t stand the sheer volume of acronyms that I’m ambushed by day after day and that have, so unfortunately, taken over actual words and sentences, or b) do I start with the fact that FOMO is simply the lamest thing ever and I can’t figure out why anyone would fucking have it.

Acronyms. I can’t handle it. I just can’t fucking handle it. The 36-year-old English major in me is appalled and ashamed by it all. Not only are these acronyms completely unfuckingnecessary they generally stand for just asinine shit there’s no need to say in the first place. For example:

• YOLO – Um, okay. Why don’t we all just drive drunk while having unprotected sex and spend all our money on pills? I mean that’s what you only live once is all about, right? Do the least responsible thing you can possibly think of and hope to god you don’t get caught.

• IRL – Dude, this is real life. Pinch yourself, it’ll hurt you turd.

• FML – Look, you’re white, you’re privileged, when a purple-haired barista misspells your name on a Starbucks cup it is not a reason to fuck your life.

• FTW – For literally years I thought this meant “fuck the world” and I actually kind of liked it.

• HML – No one would even say this phrase in the first place if the acronym didn’t exist. They’d say “call me” like a normal fucking individual not wearing a douchey flat-billed baseball hat.

• DM – “DM me, man!” Again, can’t we call this what it is: a text. DM sounds like it has something to do with deep throating something so yeah, no thank you.

Of course, all of this is coming from the girl who is still angry that Saturday Night Live is now widely and acceptably called SNL and that Colonel Sanders’ legacy has been deduced down to three measly letters. I mean come on, the man’s a Colonel with a fucking CHICKEN EMPIRE, he deserves more than “KFC”. With all the FOMO everyone’s suffering from I guess there simply isn’t time to use the English fucking language anymore. I mean who do you think you are? You’re not fucking Elvis all TCB over here.

Enter FOOI: Fear of opting in. Trust me, it’s a real thing.

It’s become a sort of shitty lifestyle to have too many goddamn commitments. Double booking has become the norm due to everyone’s raging case of fucking FOMO. Yes this may be an introvert/extrovert situation to some degree. Those of us suffering from FOOI would rather enjoy a night at home drinking chardonnay alone on the couch while Mr. FOMO catches Uber after Uber attempting to squirt YOLO all over the fucking place. FOOI turns the ringer off on their phone, fuck it, FOOI lets the battery drain completely on their iphone 4s and doesn’t bother to plug it in until the next morning while FOMO carries not one, but two extra chargers with him at all times.

FOOI flips through Netflix for only about three seconds before deciding on the same show as always (Fixer Upper) while FOMO fires off douchey phrases at the club, “IRL I’m like a financial planner but not tonight! AMMMIRIGHHT? FML if I missed this paaarrtay! YOLO! I’ll miss SNL for this any day! Wanna hit up KFC on the way home? Krispy chicken FTW! I’ll DM you. Biscuits!”

UGH.

So while a classic case of FOOI gets a phone call and it makes them want to scream “WHY DOES EVERYONE WANT SOMETHING FROM ME?” realizing it’s the first time the phone has rung in more than several days, FOMO obsessively checks for new texts hoping the next best thing is happening tonight even though it’s only fucking Tuesday and he has three other sets of plans he certainly does not want to miss out on.

Now that I’ve shed some light on the subject, I’m sure there’s an abundance of FOMOs out there who are wondering why they’ve never heard of FOOI. They’re literally FOMO-ing about FOOI and wondering if it’s something they should look into getting. Here’s the deal though, no one talks about FOOI because those suffering from it are busy at home blogging and ignoring the outside world.

Meanwhile, FOOI-ers everywhere are currently wondering something very different about FOMO-ers: How are you so unentertainted by your own company to constantly be missing out? If you truly do only live once do you really want to spend it making plans you don’t really want to keep?