Let’s be honest. You have a stupid, crappy desk job. You don’t like it anymore than anyone else likes hearing you bitch and moan about it. So isn’t it time you moved forward with your life? Quit that piece of shit, maybe buy a houseboat and grow a beard. Whatever you do get the fuck out of there. Not that I need to tell you why…but here’s why:
Continue reading “Here’s Why You Should Quit Your Crappy Desk Job”
I’m going against my own beliefs about keeping politics off social media here but since it’s for the good of the country, I’m giving myself a pass.
I am the first to say, I hate politics. Like really fucking hate politics. And I don’t know shit about them. Because they are boring as fuck. My reaction toward a political discussion is not dissimilar to that of one about football or going to museums: my eyes glaze over and my mouth goes dry and I instantly want to eat candy and take a nap.
Continue reading “Maybe A Dingo Ate Donald Trump”
Let’s all hop in the way-back-machine for a moment. We’ll visit a time where holidays were actual holidays, like Easter, 4th of July, Thanksgiving. People got the day off work and celebrated by watching fireworks or eating turkey.
Those were the days, weren’t they?
Continue reading “National Fucking Everything Day”
I read somewhere once — no one cares where — that blanket statements are “never useful” and “vague” and “non-committal.” Well guess what assholes, so am I. Cause this blanket statement is super useful, very concise and I’m strongly committed to it:
MATH IS FUCKING DUMB.
Continue reading “Math Is Dumb”
Girls, let’s be honest, it’s tough to find the right guy to fulfill all your needs. Am I right? Which is why I’ve devised yet another stellar, fail-proof idea in lifestyle choices: Brother Husbands. A deep and dialed-in analysis of 9 (yes, 9) essential husbands every woman needs.
Continue reading “Brother Husbands: A Modern Approach to Polygamy”
Ahhh, remember the old days when Facebook was new-ish, Myspace was finally dying off and you were starting to see faces of people you’d gone to high school and college with on the internet? You’d log on and think “Oh cool, I remember him, he was a good dude, let’s be internet friends” or “Sweet, I can friend my whole family and never have to actually see them” or “Man that bitch looks like hell and she was a real crotch in high school, I win.”
Continue reading “Get Yer Politics Off My Social Media”
Valentine’s Day, blech.
I mean I could basically leave it at that, right?
I’m sure it’s no shock to anyone that this girl’s cold, dead heart does not warm in the slightest to the idea of an entire fucking day dedicated to love and romance and doing unnecessary shit for people in your life when all you really want to do is look at the internet and drink a glass of stainless steel chard in your pajamas.
Continue reading “I Heart Nothing: A Special Valentine’s Tribute”
A while back I made friends with this total babe who is less than handy in the kitchen. We’ll call her Abby. Because that’s her name.
Let’s be honest: she, like any self-respecting woman, has better things to do than learn how to cook complicated things.
Continue reading “Abby Dressing: The Drinkable Condiment”
Since no one is yet tired of hearing me bitch about the winter and the cold and how bad it all blows, let’s continue.
Right now it’s negative one billion degrees in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Meanwhile in Altadena, California it’s a delightful 60 and sunny.
Balls. Huge huge snow balls.
Continue reading “Winter Sucks Like a Teenage Pregnancy”
I mean I’m spot on though, right? The holidays are the best time to be a total fucking bitch to everyone around you. It’s just. so. easy. Some may call these “excuses” and to you I say suck it. REASONS. Not excuses, reasons. Plain and simple.
Continue reading “Christmastime…The Greatest Time of Year To Be A Big Bitch”
