Let’s be honest. You have a stupid, crappy desk job. You don’t like it anymore than anyone else likes hearing you bitch and moan about it. So isn’t it time you moved forward with your life? Quit that piece of shit, maybe buy a houseboat and grow a beard. Whatever you do get the fuck out of there. Not that I need to tell you why…but here’s why:

• You make so little money you’re basically a volunteer. Man up and ask for a raise or high tail it the fuck out of there. Life’s too short to spend it under florescent lighting sitting in a fucking cubicle adjacent to loud-gum-chewing Barbara and Ranch-Corn-Nut-Eating Judy. So do what any decent human being would in your extremely uncomfortable dress shoes and mismatched socks: grab another room temperature Diet Coke from the 12-pack under your desk, march in there in your awkward length khakis and short sleeve dress shirt and tell them who’s in fucking charge. Worry about that whole mortgage payment aspect later.

• It’s come down to either quitting or killing that one bitch who farts and burps all the goddamn time. Let’s call her Cheryl. For no specific reason at all we’ll call her Cheryl. It’s become especially aggressive when she’s walking past your desk, which she does a lot like she’s wearing down some sort of gassy path around you eventually moving your entire workspace to Flatulence Island: Population YOU.

• Those motivational posters everywhere literally make you want to die.

• You don’t give a fuck about Ken from accounting’s Nordic looking wife nor about his three blond-haired, blue-eyed children and you certainly don’t want to hear another goddamn story about the Anderson’s wholesome escapades. So far as you’re concerned he’s busy building his own Aryan nation over there. Plus you’re pretty sure he’s gay.

• We all know you spend a minimum of 80% of everyday Monday through Friday looking at the internet. Probably reading shit exactly like this, hoping for some relief from the 9-5 mundane piles of shit you’re sifting through. The internet is a slippery slope, though, and it’s only a matter of time before you’ll be sucked into some kind of vortex of internet garbage. It’ll start innocently enough with a few cutesy Etsy purchases but eventually lead you down a deep dark hole of porn. And then you’ll be forced to leave said shithole place of employment anyway. In fact they’ll even escort you out of the building without so much as a bankers box filled with your remaining six Diet Cokes or the countless empty Altoid tins you’e been collecting for the past 19 months like a crazy hoarder with a hankering for fucking peppermint.

• It’s making you tired. So so fucking tired. All that getting up in the morning is a pain in the ass. You have bags under your eyes, your pants are wrinkled (cause let’s be honest you picked them up off the bedroom floor this morning, belt still strung between the loops from yesterday’s wearing) and you’re yawning all the fucking time which just makes you appear handicapped and is giving you weird unidentifiable wrinkles around your nose. Pull it together.

• Your boss is a grade A douche. So far as you can tell he doesn’t even speak in full sentences but instead continuously spouts the words “synergy” and “next level” and “it is what it is” and “circle back” and “paradigm” and “win-win” and “turn-key” and  “net” in no particular order.

• It’s cutting into your drinking. Again with the getting up early requirement. What happened to getting plastered on a Monday night and sleeping it off til 11:00 Tuesday morning? You know, the way things were meant to be. Plus with all new workplace rules it’s not like you can sip away at your desk anymore. What has this world come to?

• Your breath is fucking kickin’. Lay off the coffee already asshole. Or get a goddamn piece of Dentyne. Are those empty Altoid tins just for fucking show? And use your jaw muscles to close that yapper. Letting that thing hang open at a meeting not only exposes everyone at that unnecessarily long conference table to your disgusting coffee breath, but it instantly brings your IQ down a good 75 points.

• You’re barely even using that shitty health insurance anyway. I mean really, when was the last time you went to the doctor? Or the dentist? Please. Not with that breath you didn’t.

• And really, stop lying to yourself, you’re not even very good at your job anyway.