Let’s get right into it: no one likes going to the dentist. Everything about the experience fucking blows.
And it starts as far back as making the initial appointment. You call, probably because there’s either something wrong with one of your teeth or your guilt about not going to the dentist for years has reached epic proportions and is now, paired with your fucking toothache, keeping you up at night.
So you call. You are put on hold. Cool. Cause I have nothing else to do than listen to fucking light jazz on my lunch hour. Sweet.
Then you have to explain in graphic detail why you want to come in while trying, unsuccessfully, to be quiet enough that your coworkers literally two feet away can’t hear. This is immediately followed by another short hold and getting some shit appointment options like 7am on a Friday or Tuesday at 11:10, 2:20 or 3:08. What the actual fuck?
So you pick one of said shitty options during the middle of the fucking day which means you’re going to have to use vacation time to take off work to have some asshole poke around on the inside of your mouth. COOL.
Next they say “Please arrive 10 minutes prior to your scheduled appointment time.” For fucking what? So I can tack 10 minutes onto the inevitable 25 I’m already going to spend not reading Yachting Weekly or Business Insider or Outdoor Life and dicking around on my phone trying to get the garbage wifi to load ANY SORT OF SOCIAL MEDIA? I mean literally ANYTHING to keep me entertained? How many times can I attempt to refresh my Instagram feed without success before going all postal on this sterile piece of shit? Eleven. I mean in case you were wondering.
And that’s just the appointment.
Once you’re in the waiting room itself things just continue to go down fucking hill. As if the worst magazine selection ever, the lack of social media access, and the adult contemporary muzak weren’t sufficient enough to make you want to punch someone in the dick and neck simultaneously, you can also hear that suction thing being used from behind the frosted glass door that you’re not allowed to go through until some bitch comes out in scrubs and a top knot and calls your name. What’s worse than thinking about dental work being done? Hearing someone else’s in progress.
AND WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL SITTING HERE WAITING?
“Maaaayygggie?”
Jesus christ.
Next you are reclined in perhaps the most vulnerable position possible around strangers, wearing a fucking bib that someone else is wiping things on for you, staring into a bright light trying to answer questions while some fucking weirdo prods away at the inside of your mouth. At this point two things are running through your mind:
- Why the fuck would anyone want to be a goddamn dentist? Ew. Perverts.
- How much is this going to cost?
Yeah. So. About that cost thing, you’re just going to have to let that go cause the answer is: A BILLION DOLLARS. One fucking billion. Or at least a solid $1200 more in disposable income than you currently have on hand.
Then between scoldings about poor fucking flossing and brushing too hard and some other B.S. about gums and being treated like an overall invalid who never learned proper hygiene you hear two of the worst fucking words in the English language: Root Canal. Second only to: Tooth Extraction.
As you lay there fighting the urge to a) dramatically knock over that tray of utensils and/or use one on someone and b) burst into fucking tears, a guy continues to yammer on really fast about “the procedure” while gesturing wildly to X-rays that all look like cartoon teeth but are, in fact, your own.
Then of course you have to walk back through that mystical frosty door like the sleaziest fucking walk of shame you’ve ever taken and stand there waiting another fifteen minutes before loudly and shamefully scheduling said “procedure” for everyone in the lobby to hear like it’s a goddamn abortion. This causes the dimwits perusing the shitty magazines and staring at their buffering phones to look up at you and think “Wow I wonder what SHE needs to have done. That would NEVER happen to ME, I brush AND floss. She must be a gross person without a toothbrush. I bet this is the first time she’s ever even SEEN A DOCTOR AT ALL. WHORE.”
Oh just you wait, bitch. You’ll get your turn.
[Cue suction.]
